Miracle Baby

CAUTION: This will be a long post--but I hope you'll read it.

I just announced that I'm expecting another baby.  For me, this baby is a sweet, modern day miracle.  ALL babies are miracles, but this is my baby's story:

Before I had Tasha (now 2) I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks.  Went in, there was no heartbeat, had to have a D & C.  WORST experience of my life. We had tried and prayed for that baby, I had attached so much excitement and dreams to that baby.  It was devastating for me. Very sad. Very lonely.  I don't have family I'm close to in Utah, and my husband tries, but his sensitivity can be lacking at times. I even had complications after the procedure which were not fun.
 I got pregnant with Tasha right after I finished my degree.  I had residual fear leftover from the previous experience and had issues my first trimester with her that terrified me.  I didn't have a peace of mind until I finally got her in my arms, and heard that first cry which is music to a mother's ears.
Corine (11 months) was a surprise. I DO NOT BELIEVE IN ACCIDENT BABIES--JUST SURPRISE BABIES :). I had issues the first trimester with her, and even had a scare at 16 weeks that sent me to the ER.  Luckily, my body did what it needed to to resolve the issue.  It was very hard to feel attached to Corine while pregnant because of the constant fear of losing her because of the scare and my previous miscarriage.  Miscarriages can be very scarring.

Now moving on to why this baby is a miracle--I just had to provide some background.

Three kids has always been my limit and 30 my cut off.  And with my first two being 15 months apart, my mentality was to just go ahead and close this door to this part of my life and have the third.  It was an internal battle--do we, do we not, what's the rush, blah blah blah kinda stuff.  I talked about it way too much which didn't help either.

In January, I had another miscarriage.  Thankfully, (and I use that word because:) I wasn't far along and body miscarried on it's own. I was only 6 weeks, but it was still a big loss.  Emotionally, it sent me into a funk.  This baby is a miracle because the dr. told me to wait a few months so my body could get back to normal.  Well, we listened, prevented (sorry TMI), and I still got pregnant right away.  I have been carrying this little secret close to my heart too cautious to be hopeful, because yet again, I've had issues, 3 ultrasounds already, and I've made it to 12 weeks. This is my fifth pregnancy.  It's hard to feel excitement because I'm still terrified that I could lose this little person.  My last ultrasound actually revealed what could possibly be the gender (not ready to reveal that b/c it's still so early and 20 weeks will make it official) so I feel like I already have some kind of identity to attach to this baby.  In some ways it makes it harder because of the fear I carry around.  I'm going to be optimistic despite the fear: this little one is coming.  I've heard a heartbeat, seen the arms and legs, and hands up by his/her face.

For me, motherhood has been the greatest gift.  I love being a mother more than I ever expected I would.  I'm so in love with my children it's ridiculous.  The responsibility of parenting never scared me--it has intimidated me at times, this stewardship we have over the little ones we bring into our families, but never scared me. I truly believe that's why we're here--to perpetuate family.

However, I want to make very clear that I'm not the norm with how easily I get pregnant.  I'm also not the norm in the sense that I rarely have ANY physical indication that I'm pregnant.  I would INVITE morning sickness if it meant my body was fighting to sustain a pregnancy. I've had so much blood work done to see what my issues are, and come to find out I produce extremely low progesterone even when I'm TAKING it.  Progesterone hasn't been proven to keep a pregnancy, but it hasn't been disproven. I have watched many women desire motherhood with all their hearts and it doesn't happen.  I'm thankful for adoption (I'm the product of that), I'm thankful for modern medicine that can make motherhood possible.

This baby is my modern day miracle.  Again, I believe all life is a miracle, but I feel like this baby is a fighter.  He or she wanted it's body.  I'm grateful to be a mother and I'm grateful for what my children teach me (I feel I'm more of the learner than the teacher).

I also just have to throw this out in the universe--it is NO ONE'S place to judge how close, how far apart, or how many children a family has.  That is a private and personal decision.  Let's reserve our judgement.  And, I also have to throw this out there---THANK YOU for the love, good wishes, and support.